Dan Regan Hypnotherapy & Coaching

Do People Really Judge You Harshly When You Fail? Hypnotherapy Vlog:

In this hypnotherapy video I talk about whether people really judge you as harshly as you expect when you fail or mess up in some way. In this video I talk about the research that has investigated whether people do really judge you harshly, whether you do need t worry about what others think about you and what it means for avoiding regret and doing things you want to do.
 

Hello, it’s Dan here. I hope you’re good today and, today, I want to talk about whether, when we mess up or we fail in some say, or we do something embarrassing or say something embarrassing, whether people actually judge us as harshly as we think they might.

We have a tendency to think that, if we do some of those things, if we do go for something and fail, if we forget our words, if we mess up what we’re doing in some way, or do something that we perceive as being embarrassing, that other people are going to judge us quite negatively and quite harshly. And, today, I’m talking about whether that is actually the case; are we correct in thinking that they are going to judge us in that way.

I’ve already talked in previous videos about how we all have a tendency to overestimate how much notice other people are giving to our actions and our appearance, the kind of stuff we do and how we look, and even how we feel and whether our perceptions and thoughts and sensations are leaking out and being noticed by others as much as we think they do. And we know, from all the research, that our actions, our appearance are not noted by others anywhere near as much as we assume they are going to be which, of course, means that a lot of the things that you might have avoided doing because of fear of failure, or fear of messing up in some way, or fear of being judged negatively, or worrying about what other people think, a lot of those are misplaced, they’re exaggerated, which means generally you can go out there and do the things you want to do without having to worry about those kind of things.

But, of course, people will notice some stuff that you do, some of your actions, some of your appearance, and there’s always this kind of chance that, if you do something embarrassing, or you mess up in some way, or you do fail in some way after going for something, that other people will pick up on that and again have certain perceptions about that. And we tend to think that they are going to judge us quite harshly, quite negatively if we do mess up.

And, once again, the research shows that, because we’re so focussed on what we’re doing, on the event, we go for something, we do something we perceive as embarrassing, some sort of social failures and mishap in some way, because we’re so focusses on it we tend to then over-exaggerate and assume that other people are picking up on it, and then that they’re going to think quite harshly, quite negatively about us, but the research shows that that isn’t necessarily the case. We anticipate people judging us much more harshly than in fact they do.

And there are a number of reasons and possible explanations for this. Certainly people aren’t always that cynical, that horrible. When we mess up people can be nice, people can be kind of understanding. People might not give it that much weight in the same way that we give it the weight because we focus on it, and we’re very aware of it, and we feel kind of embarrassing sensations and thoughts, other people are not doing that, they’re taking other factors into account, they’re aware of lots of other stuff, there’s the stuff going on in their own heads, the stuff they’re particularly paying attention to. They may be taking into account previous interactions with you, their memories, their whole relationship they might have with you and, certainly, there’s a kind of empathy that often takes place in that, most of us in a lot of these situations through our lives, have done something embarrassing, messed up in some way, we’ve forgotten our words, we’ve gone to a party and not taken a gift, we’ve said something that, in hindsight, was a bit silly, things didn’t come out right in some way, yet most of us have been in that kind of situation, maybe dozens of times through our life so we have a certain empathy when it happens to other people, we kind of remember, yeah, I’ve done that, I know what it was like, I can understand that. So, we tend to be much more empathetic and much more kind of supportive than perhaps we can anticipate when we are in that situation ourselves and we’re messing it up and all our focus is upon it.

All of which adds up to even more good news. We already know that we tend to over-exaggerate how much people are noticing our appearance, our actions anyway, they’re noticing those things far less than we even anticipate, and even if we do go out there and do something and it doesn’t go quite right, or we perceive we’ve failed in some way, or we’ve done something that we perceive embarrassing in some way, you’re far less likely to be judged harshly by other people than you might have expected.

So the message is very much one of, if worries around what other people think, being judged in some way, stops you doing things and causes anxiety, worry, stress, social anxiety, the good news is you can put those things aside to a large extent, you can mentally remind yourself all the research shows that those things you’ve been thinking about are far less likely to happen than you think they are. So the message is very clear, go out there, have that freedom, take a chance, do the things you want to do, putting aside worries of what other people think because they are not thinking those things. It is just not happening.

We have the research, the evidence for all these things we think are happening, our thoughts are misguided, they’re misplaced, they’re exaggerated. So get out there, do the things you want to do, relax around what people might be thinking because the chances are they’re just not doing that. I’ll leave you with that. I hope you do go out there and do those things, I hope you do put those things aside. I hope you go out there and do the things you want to do rather than regretting not doing them later on. And be happy, be successful and I will speak to you very soon.

Dan Regan

31 August 2019

Hypnotherapy in Ely & Newmarket

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